Steroids Man

I had never tried online dating, but by the time I had got divorced, it had taken over and was the new thing. The benefits of which were obvious, as a single mum of two with a 6 month old, I was hardly going to be picking anyone up out clubbing or indeed at preschool (other than my toddler).

My first dip into online dating, was on Match. I spent just over a year on this site, and I went on around 8 (?) dates and did actually meet my ex boyfriend who I was with for 18 months. So you see online dating can lead to serious relationships, it hasn’t been a complete failure.

However, my more prolific dating spree began after this relationship ended. After I moved to the countryside, I also moved to POF, the infamous dating site (for those of you lucky enough not to know what this is, it’s plenty of fish).  There seemed to be a shortage of men on Match living out in the countryside, plus I was put off by the money that the site charged which didn’t even guarantee that the men on it were of a higher quality or indeed less full of shit (see Now Can I send you a Picture of my Dick )

The first person who I started chatting to and eventually met up with on POF was a fitness trainer whose name was Kyle. I wasn’t sure whether we would have much in common or whether he would be able to hold an intelligent conversation,  but what the heck, I was on the rebound.  I’d give it a whirl.

I arrived outside the place we were due to meet punctually, however he was not there.

I’ve found men fall into two categories with regard to punctuality on a fast date- there are the men who make an effort to be there on time and there are those who are either deliberately or carelessly late (well ok maybe three categories). I prefer the ones who have made the effort to be punctual, for which you shall receive brownie points (in case any men are reading, take note).

As I stood outside waiting, my phone starting ringing and I realised it was Kyle.  After my usual panicked ‘I don’t want to talk to a guy on the phone who I’ve never met!!’ I calmly and collectedly answered the phone. I’ll be there in 10 minutes ‘ he said. Grrr,  I thought, now I get to stand around waiting, I hate having to wait for the guy when he’s late.

The only good thing is that every single guy without fail has either text to let me know that they will be late or phoned. If you are late because ‘it was further away than you thought’, this will annoy me, because it’s not that hard to work out how far away a place you are going to is, it literally takes seconds. I will not be impressed if you can’t demonstrate such basic competence. In order to know what time to leave to get to a date for a certain time, you need to know how far away it is. Same as with a job interview. Come on guys, don’t fall at the first hurdle.

Kyle when he got there, did not look like his picture on his profile. He was a lot more pumped up, with a massive chest and bulging, muscular arms in a not very subtle way which is not something which I usually find attractive. He also had a diamond in one ear, soooo not my type.

I was on the rebound though and exploring different options so it would do. I was keeping an open mind and not wanting to dismiss someone who could turn out to be the one (given that my ex who I thought was the one, turned out not to be, maybe by the same ahem logic someone who I thought wasn’t the one, might turn out to be).

He was also chewing gum frantically in a way that reminded me of someone high on drugs. He was obviously nervous (or on drugs) because he was talking really fast.

He started telling me all about his work training people at the gym and then he started talking about all his friends who were taking steroids to bulk up their muscles.

‘ I wouldn’t be so stupid to take them, they’ve loads of side effects. None of my friends can get it up. You know someone is taking steroids when they can’t get it up.’ he told me.

‘They also make you really bad-tempered.’ He then went on to tell me about an incident with his ex girlfriend which I thought made him sound a bit bad tempered. For someone who doesn’t take steroids, he seems to know an awful lot about them as well as talking about them all the time.

For our second date (I would like to assure you that my standards are much higher since this date, remember I was on the rebound), we met in a really posh pub near mine. We had a drink and then Kyle suggested going for a walk.

Meeting men at this pub has become a bit of a problem now because the bar manager has seen me with so many different men,  god knows what he thinks. He’s also seen me with my mum and my kids. I’ve actually seen sheer disbelief on his face on one occasion when I came in with yet a another man.

There was a bench outside in the gardens, which we sit down on. ‘Can I have a cuddle’ is his not so subtle way of initiating a kiss. Still, it’s better than some other efforts I’ve seen. Before long, we are necking on this bench which makes me feel like a teenager again. I’m in the grounds of a very posh pub, incidentally where I spent my wedding night and where I regularly go for sunday lunch with my mum and two kids and I’m getting off with some guy on a bench.

I enjoy the feeling of being a bit of a reckless teenager and taking off my responsible mum hat for a while. The only spanner in the works, is that he kisses like a washing machine.

Relentlessly and forcefully round and round his tongue goes, with no sensuality or alternating rhythm. It feels like he is spitting into my mouth. Which reminds me, he did tell me a story of some other woman he’d met on POF, who kept asking him to spit in her mouth. Anyway, I digress.

For the third date- I know, I too am wondering wtf? Why would you go on another date and try to sleep with someone who can’t even kiss properly?

But remember I was on the rebound and bad kisser doesn’t necessarily mean bad in bed. Except in this case it does. He comes round my house and we get to it again. We end up in bed but he is not able to get it up at the crucial moment.  But of course, he’s not stupid enough to take steroids….

‘Are you sure you’re not taking steroids?’ I asked him. He smiled secretively and said nothing.

See here’s the thing when a man can’t get it up, you both end up feeling rubbish. For him, his masculanity is under threat, he is unable to perform and has failed to satisfy you. For her, her femininity is under threat, as she feels maybe it is something she has done wrong, she isn’t attractive enough or her technique isn’t right- she also feels like she has failed to turn the man on.

In my experience, I have always been very supportive when this has happened to the man and tried to make them feel better about it by not making it into a big deal and making it clear it doesn’t matter (even when it does).  And yet the men have never returned this favour. They have never made the effort to try and make ME feel better, by making me feel that they do find me attractive, hot and sexy- they seem to completely lack any understanding or empathy for how I might feel.

So guys, spare a little thought as to how the girl might be feeling when this happens

Anyway, I never saw Kyle again, I went on holiday soon after the 3rd date and our messages fizzled out whilst I was away.

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